Silence broken.

Well today I did something I don’t think I should have done. It was innocent really to begin with, but after I did it, i realized that it might cause a problem for someone. I have NO idea why I did it. But I rolled the ball. I didn’t let it go to far before I brought it back. I think subconsciously I was hoping it would create conflict.

And I don’t think I feel to guilty about that at all. nope. And I am not proud of it. Part of me thinks it was just a way to balance out the pain that came from the source a while back. And another part of me wants this person to grow up. And maybe I did it so that he would have to deal with something he is avoiding.

all in all it was another one of those things that I shouldn’t have done but didn’t realize it till two or three steps into the pit.  We will see what crawls out from that wreckage. yikes. bad mem.

remain silent when words seem forced!

If I wrote lyrics.

Today. If i had to write poetry or lyrics they would be fiesty and hateful.

 

I don’t know what love is anymore
I don’t have a clue how to find a door
to move me out of this bullshit room
taking me away from the stench of them.

No matter how I have tried, I got hit
hurt and abused, my own fault you say
another day for me to learn to cry
what about what I know and want?

I vent and I purge. I learn and I leave.
I give and I take. I am not alive in love.
I feel like life is a burden, I can’t get free
its like walking around on your knees. 

I am not whining or giving up
I am noticing the bitch inside me
wanting to reach out and “touch” someone
and blaming myself for listening

One

more

time.

DORK.

Friends

Sometimes when meet someone new and start having conversations you connect on a deep level. But there is always another side. So its longevity is based on the interests of both. You are bound by their limitations, resistances and history. They only open as much as they allow themselves. And life goes on in and around this tornado.

Not sure why the world works in these ways, nor am I unhappy about it. You find people that fit a particular situation, you connect for the brief time its meant to be a connection. Then once its light dies, you walk off in hopes of finding a similar situation. One that lasts a bit longer than the previous one. One that feels like you are at home. One that you know will bring around a smile each time you see their name. And hopefully they will remain true to being a friend. Remain constant to being available even when you are bitchy and uptight.

I, too, am only human and with my own limitations. I know recently I have let someone down but not without giving it a good try to see if I could “just be friends”. I found myself becoming intolerant of a condition that this person consistently overlooks. And instead of being an adult and saying it in a mature fashion, i reacted. I think it was supposed to happen that way. The only way I could get out without making a big scene.

I hope I find a home for my heart. I have found someone that I like, makes me feel comfortable, without any major drama. A different feeling than I have felt with another man. But in all honesty? I see it as just a stepping stone to the next meeting. Again. And isn’t that what all experiences are in life? I am getting weary of all the traveling, heart wise. My heart is heavy with scars. It is wrongly conditioned to be distrustful. And too naive for its own good even after all its experiences.

Am I in the wrong to keep buying the hope and dream of having a life long friend? Or am I just being tested over and over until i am ready? Or is this some kind of payback from a previous life? I sure hope my friend will always be my friend. But recently someone I thought was a friend left me. Abandoned me. Someone I thought would always be there for me. A deep bleeding gash is there. And will be for some time. I can’t forget him. But I wont cry anymore over it. Unless its late and I come across something we shared and I am tired. And feeling lonely.

Thank you supreme being for feelings. Even though I know that sometimes they cause me the most excruciating pain I have ever known, its also provided the most generous of joys. Nothing is perfect which is just fine by me. Where are you friend? I miss you. Find me. Lets finally smile and sing in the between everything else times.

a little piece of me

It happens. Someone pursues you. Treats you like a friend, sometimes more. You follow the lead. Believe what they say. Allow that little piece of you to be involved in their lives. You give up that piece to them. Tell them that piece is important, treat it with respect. That piece is sacred or you would have just given it up in the first few mins of knowing them. Instead you waited. Waiting to see if that they thought having a piece of you meant is something they wanted. Oh yes. Its what I want, they say with desire. Why are you even questioning it? Ok. You can have that piece… but be careful with it. Its still attached to me but I want that piece of me to be with you, because I can trust your friendship. And you know how important our friendship is to me. And then, at the first sign of miscommunication, they toss it to the side. Something prettier or shinier has come along, and your piece is forgotten by them, but not by you. Y

What I have realized through this repeated pattern in my life is that I should smash it first before I give it to them, then i can get the pain out of the way in the beginning, knowing that its going to be smashed eventually anyway. People aren’t built like me. Maybe I should never say anything to anyone ever again.

Mean, evil, conspiracy minded, slut, accusing, confused me. My poor kid. Maybe I should give my heart to him. He might have better luck in the world of friendship than i do.

Poor Third Eye

Dropped my Nikon D40. DROPPED it on concrete. I think its history. Next time i am going to find a tough case or a rubber casing. I need it!

dear gods of the cameras.. bring me the wisdom to replace my third eye, and continue my quest for the perfect representation as seen through the third eye. (or a winning lotto ticket)

oohmmmmmmmm……….

I am sitting down.

At my computer. Staring at the screen. reading your words to me. I am bored with it. Its lonely and remote. You have no affection for the time. No connection to the rhyme.

I wonder why I bother even reaching out for you. I am a fool. But hey, a sincere one. My intentions are obvious, not hidden, or suspicious. I am tired of the over extension of myself into places that aren’t accepting of it.

I want to wake up in a place that is easier for me to move, and a friend that is there for me, not because its a passing fancy, or something to hold on to until something better comes along. I deserve to be more than a distraction.

jerks.

All they think about is P*SSY! the more I talk to them, the more I realize they don’t think about much else. and thats it. f*cking liars.

too bad I don’t like women that way at all.

Opened my heart

  

So I have been worrying, and fretting about something I have no control over. After a few foolish blundering outbursts, I realized what was going on. I was avoiding saying something I felt. In sight of that, I decided to open my heart to a friend. Allowed myself to feel the passion I have there. I confessed it without expectation or overture. And I wont repeat it to this person. My cards are played. Man, I felt SOO free! Finally the clutter and confusion about it was gone! I don’t care what happens next. I don’t know if this person will give me the honesty and trust I am seeking in a friend. I do know that what I did was right for me. And that is the person deserving of the truth. That is the person who will reap the rewards of honesty with self.I have stepped out on a limb,  but it looks like I am going to be supported in revealing things to myself (and others) in this manner. Those who receive are responsible for their part in the interaction. Or the lack of interaction in the face of truth. Or their truth seeks no part of interaction with mine. 

for you snack master. long may you reign. LOL. :crown:

How did i get here again?

Sighs. When will i learn that no good comes from trusting certain types of people. Maybe I am coming on too strong. There is a reason people are attracted to each other. I do tend to be overbearing. I jump into life. both feet. Others like to make decisions and not waver from the “agenda”. Someone I trusted forgave then trusted again to be a friend, has turned cold on me. I don’t have much of an explanation why. Or maybe he just isn’t saying it in a way I can understand whats going on. But it has made me cry. And I don’t want to cry anymore. I want to live and love. I know that to have any kind of elated feeling you have to have a down side.

Maybe I am making up the whole scenario. Maybe its a dream that only exists in my mind. And his words that he spoke to fuel that flame were just that. Words to calm his soul, not intended for me to take seriously. But I am funny. You say you are my friend, I believe you. You say You want the best for me, I believe that.  You tell me you will always be honest with me, I believe you. Until you are proven wrong. I don’t have to look for proof. When you have true belief in things, the universe always brings the truth to you. And for that I am very thankful.

I have lost the stamina to keep up a game. I have lost the stamina to pursue a connection because someone else involved is too lazy to actually BE there.  Or just is too selfish to be there. Or maybe its something else. I just don’t have any idea how people can turn hot and cold so quickly. This one, this was a strong connection. But its gone. He let go. I have to follow. The end.

It does rain

In southern California… sighs. A long luxurious rain. I am enjoying it. I hope the winter stays true, and we receive more precipitation.

Even if there is a threat of a landslide.